Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
