Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
