dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Randomize
