We got so high we made milksteak
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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