i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
