i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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