i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I cockslap morals
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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