Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
