turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize