worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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