I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
