omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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