I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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