New invention idea: vibrating tampons
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
