I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
