My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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