Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
