ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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