I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
