girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
