you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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