remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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