4 words: hood of his car
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
