I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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