Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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