i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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