you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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