I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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