Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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