Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
