Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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