is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
