she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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