just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
