You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
