Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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