Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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