I wish I could punch you in the face.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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