I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
