I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
