you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
