don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
