Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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