You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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