my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
