i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
