I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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