god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
