Kiss
Puke
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
