It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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