I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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