Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
