i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
