and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Dear god my vagina.
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