My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
